


We Fell In Love (With The Windows Rolled Down)

by mertlekang



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, I'm gonna make you cry, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Memory Loss, prepare yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-07-12 23:33:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7128473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mertlekang/pseuds/mertlekang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were on the run – just the two of them. What they were running from Jinyoung wouldn't tell, and Jaebum wouldn't ask.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> A re-purposed version of an old fic I wrote for another fandom a LONG time ago. Let's just say that fandom faded to dust and it hurts too much to just let that fic waste away, so I hope you guys love it as much as I do.

He laughed at the sight of Jinyoung tripping over his own feet, falling face-first into the shallow water. When he resurfaced a few seconds later, coughing and spluttering and flicking his wet hair from his eyes, Jaebum felt the air leave his lungs in one short breath. 

He'd always loved Jinyoung's eyes. Even as children, when they'd first caught him off guard; dark and unwavering and full of secrets. At that moment they were golden and rich, peering at Jaebum beneath dark lashes with a question he had no doubts Jinyoung already knew the answer to.

The tide lapped at his thighs in an attempt to drag him further out into the vast reaches of a sea turned to gold by a rapidly setting sun, and Jinyoung was Thetis, drenched to the bone and daring him to follow him to his death. The last dregs of laughter left his dry lips, rasping and groundless, and the God before him frowned with vexation. The frown was short-lived, twisting into a mischievous grin that never failed to tighten the knot he'd tied in Jaebum's chest.

Thin arms dragged him down into the salty waves, and the two of them writhed beneath the foam, resurfacing with burning lungs and tearful laughter, cackling and screaming as they chased each other through the crashing flood. 

They lay on the wet sand when the sun had finally abandoned them, a chill wind blowing over the empty shore. Jaebum was always prepared, but with Jinyoung his meticulous planning somehow never failed to fall apart in lieu of the younger boys impulsiveness. Spare clothes were just another thing he'd left behind in his endless pursuit of Jinyoung's laughter, and they shivered beneath the blood-bruise sky as it slowly faded to a star-freckled navy.

Jaebum turned his head to the boy breathing softly beside him, staring pensively at the dark canopy above them as if he could split it open with a glare. Though Jaebum's eyes were always lingering over the younger boys visage, Jinyoung never said a word, never made any indication he'd noticed how difficult it was for Jaebum to keep himself from watching. The fading light played shadows over the planes of his cheekbones, sparked a glint in his wet eyes, and for once Jaebum couldn't stop himself from touching the perfection he found so close and yet so far from where he lay.

'What are you doing?' Jinyoung whispered, and Jaebum could hear the warning in his voice. He turned his head to look at him the same way he'd been watching the stars, and those eyes cut through him, as they always did, reminding him how much of a distance there truly was between them even if he was close enough to touch. Even so, his fingers danced over the line of Jinyoung's jaw, barely grazing his skin yet the action alone was enough to shatter the fragile peace they'd found together.

'Sometimes I just need to check if you're real,' he breathed, and it was so quiet that another person would have missed it. Jaebum knew he'd heard him, because Jinyoung never missed a thing. 'Sixteen years and I still don't know a thing about you.'

'And you never will.'

The words were soft, lacking the venom Jaebum knew Jinyoung would spit at anyone else who tried to get so close. Jinyoung had thorns, and Jaebum had long since learned how to hold him without being pricked. Even so, it was never easy to swallow past the tightness of his throat, or breathe through the ache in his chest. 

He knew the sight of Jinyoung's back off by heart, because it was often turned towards him. The younger man sat up with a sigh, clutching his knees as his clothes stuck to his thin frame, every ridge of his spine familiar to Jaebum's longing eyes. His voice was paper thin, the crashing waves ahead drowning out the soft sob that shook his fragile shoulders. 

'How far would you drive if I asked you to?'

'As far as my car can go. But only if you were coming along for the ride.'

'Can you really call that rusted piece of shit a car, huh?' Jinyoung shifted, and Jaebum saw the redness of his tear-dampened eyes when he turned to watch him, a weak smirk on his lips.

'It has feelings too, you know,' He grumbled, getting to his feet and brushing the sand from his damp jeans. 'But like I said, only if you were coming with me.'

'I might have to.'

With Jinyoung, the smallest amount of words could reveal everything, and Jaebum kept his eyes on the sea. Jinyoung cried often when they were together, but Jaebum would never look. He knew Jinyoung wasn't there for his affection or comfort, but rather that he had nowhere else to go. His tears weren't Jaebum's to wipe away.

'Just tell me when.' He offered Jinyoung his hand without a glance, a small smile on his lips as the wind blew through his clothes. 'We'll go from town to town, and I'll use my charm and good looks to earn petrol and food.' 

An abrupt laugh burst from Jinyoung's choked up lungs, and Jaebum felt his cold digits intertwine with his own as he got to his feet. 'Yeah, you're a real Prince Charming.' He teased, sniffing, and Jaebum watched him kick at the sand that sank beneath his toes.

'If I'm Prince Charming, are you Cinderella?'

'I guess, except when the spell breaks I won't be leaving anything behind.' He smiled softly, letting go of Jaebum's hand and strolling out towards the waves. 'Just you.'

Jinyoung started running, then, laughing hysterically with every stumble the heavy sand caused him to recover from. He didn't stop until he was barely a dot in the distance, spinning around and waiting for Jaebum to follow.

'We'll see about that.' Jaebum whispered to himself before his feet pounded against the sand, filling the footprints Jinyoung had left behind before the tide could soften them and wash them away. No matter where Jinyoung ran to, Jaebum always followed.


	2. Chasing the Sunset (Through Another Empty Town)

Jaebum glanced with soft eyes to the passenger seat where Jinyoung reclined. His feet were propped up on the dashboard as he watched the world flash by through the open window, his hair blowing astray in the wind. Not a word had passed between them since Jinyoung had climbed into his car and asked him to drive, but that wasn't unusual. What was unusual was that Jinyoung had thanked him.

With a sigh, he looked back at the road. Somehow they'd ended up in the countryside, and his eyes burned at the dawn light that pooled in through gaps in the eaves arching overhead. They'd driven through the night, and even when Jinyoung had curled up and slept, exhausted from crying, Jaebum hadn't stopped. There was a nagging fear within him, telling him that if he stopped, Jinyoung would finally get away.

It was silent save for the hum of the engine and the rushing air keeping Jaebum alert, but from the corner of his eye he saw Jinyoung stir. A clattering erupted as he began rifling through Jaebum's cassette collection, his car far too old and outdated for CD's. He seemed to find something that satisfied his tastes, slender fingers sliding in the tape before he sat back once again, biting at his nails and hanging his ankles out of the window. 

Jinyoung's voice was deep yet sweet as he hummed along to the static buzz of a song Jaebum didn't know the words to. Half the tapes he'd bought only because he knew Jinyoung liked them, and as long as he kept muttering the lyrics like a second language, he didn’t care at all. Jinyoung's voice; be it humming, talking or singing in the shower, it was all the music he needed.

‘Do you think anyone will miss us?’ Jinyoung sighed, breaking their silence for the first time as he turned away from the blurring hues of greenery whizzing past the window. His tone was hopeful like a child asking for reassurance, but they both knew the answer, and Jaebum wasn’t a liar.

‘They probably won’t even realise we’re gone.’

It was a grim truth, but he’d learnt to accept it. Jinyoung's mother was a drunk, Jaebum knew that much just by looking at her. When his parents had moved next door to Jinyoung when he was four, he'd known it even then. Seeing the boy sat on his front porch, staring unabashedly at him as sounds of screaming and crashing resounded from within, Jaebum had decided from that moment on that he'd fix whatever was wrong. 

Soon enough he came to the inevitable conclusion that there was no fixing Jinyoung. You can only fix what's broken, and Jinyoung wouldn't break, no matter how many bruises he tried to hide. 

They'd grown up together; but really Jinyoung had grown up a long time before Jaebum was around. The younger boy knew every detail of his life, where Jaebum knew nothing of Jinyoung's. When he'd started school, the kids had assumed he had a bad attitude because of his face, but whenever he was caught in a fight it was Jinyoung who'd step in, swinging his bruised knuckles wildly in his threadbare uniform. When Jaebum's parents were too busy to take him to school or pick him up from the multitude of clubs they'd enrolled him in to make sure they wouldn't miss any hours at work, Jinyoung was there on his rusted bike on the hour as if it was his duty.

Somehow his parents had never found out about the scruffy boy next door, or whatever hell he was living through. When Jaebum had cut him a key to his house on the sly, it was frightening just how silent Jinyoung could be when he slipped beneath his covers in the late reaches of the night, shivering and afraid yet never letting Jaebum in on whatever secrets had driven him to escape.

It wasn't to say that Jinyoung couldn't smile, because he did so often, brilliant and beaming. The corners of his eyes would crease, soft sounds leaving his lips behind his palm as if he was afraid to let the noise out. Jaebum didn't think he was especially funny, but the younger boy would always laugh at his remarks, though sometimes he was laughing at him rather than with him.

Outside of themselves, friends were fickle and infrequent. Jinyoung kept to himself, and Jaebum, though well liked, could never really keep himself away from the younger boy long enough to socialise. Jaebum's parents were always away on business trips, and his boss had been subtly attempting to fire him for months.

All in all, the two of them wouldn't be missed.

It was a thing of wonderment for Jaebum how he and Jinyoung became so close, because they were so different. While Jinyoung was usually quiet and contemplative, Jaebum was known for his quick temper and his tendency to shout. While opposites attract - and all that jazz - Jaebum supposed it was because he would put up with Jinyoung's shit, and Jinyoung needed someone to hide him from the world.

He kept his eyes trained on the winding country lane ahead of them, his eyes red and sore. It had taken him two years of part-time work to afford his rustbucket of a car. Really he could've done without the work, because his parents would have thrown cash at him without a second glance if his pride hadn't kept him from asking. He wanted to work for what he had rather than succumbing to an open palm. While it was a pile of crap, there was no way he couldn't be proud of it, and he knew Jinyoung felt the same despite the insults he threw at it.

It was their ticket to freedom, and they both needed it.

Even with his eyes drooping, a smile twitched at his lips. They were on the run – just the two of them. It didn't matter what it was they were running from, or where they were running to. As long as Jinyoung was by his side, God, Jaebum would go anywhere.

The road seemed never ending, the trees blurring by and the light glinting in Jinyoung's wide, brown eyes. It was no secret to Jaebum that what he felt wasn't simply friendship, in fact he'd agonised over his feelings for years. The guilt had overcome him like a tidal wave the first time he'd woken from a dream that left the sheets sticking to his thighs, Jinyoung's body warm where he'd snuck in during the night to sleep beside him. Betrayal was the only way he could see it, to think of Jinyoung in such a way. He trusted nobody but Jaebum, and Jaebum couldn't say a word in fear of shattering the world they'd built around themselves.

Jinyoung had a way of looking beautiful every passing second, whether he was trapped in his own thoughts or snickering at Jaebum's shortcomings. He was like a dream with all its twists and turns, and Jaebum didn’t want to wake up. 

‘Jaebum,’ Jinyoung whispered, breaking the comfortable silence that had filled the car. He hadn't noticed when the younger boy had stopped humming, and now the only sound was the radio buzzing in search of signal. He looked at Jinyoung, and Jinyoung looked at him, and he faltered. 'Why do you look at me like that?'

'Like what?'

Jinyoung looked as if he wanted to run, pressing his back against the car door and pulling his knees to his chest, but his eyes didn't leave their piercing focus on Jaebum's face.

'Like I'm everything.' He frowned, and Jaebum's heart tightened at his words, the feeling of being caught out driving the breath from his lungs. 'Like you can't see anything else.'

His mouth ran dry, and he licked nervously at his lips. He glanced back at the road briefly, gathering every ounce of strength left within him. Looking back at Jinyoung was like staring into his own demise, because he knew what he was going to say would change everything.

'Isn't it obvious?' He laughed without mirth, a shuddering breath escaping his lips as he met Jinyoung's piercing gaze. 'I lo-'

-

Jaebum opened his eyes, though he couldn't recall closing them, to find that it was no longer daylight. He felt numb, his head like a ball of cotton wool as he wondered if he'd really opened his eyes at all. It was an effort to blink, but soon the cloudiness cleared away, and he felt everything. White hot, searing pain overwhelmed him, from his toes to his thighs. His neck was stiff and his skull pulsed to the beat of his heart. Above the pain was the stench of copper, thick and heavy as it settled on his tongue, and the scent made him retch.

Within the confusion there was only one thing he could think of, though. He ignored the warnings of his body, ignored the strain of his neck as he turned, because Jinyoung was there with him, and Jinyoung was more important than the pain. He didn't see the flashing lights blurring in the rain-dotted mess of his windscreen, nor the sirens ringing in his ears. All he could see was Jinyoung.

And he screamed. He screamed until his lungs were burning, until his throat was raw. Even bloody and mangled in the wreckage of metal and glass, he still looked like he would turn to him and snicker, as if he would mumble a barbed remark at any second.

He was bent, broken, just like the car. Though Jaebum could feel hands upon him, voices calling to him and shouting nonsense he couldn't understand, he couldn't take his eyes off the younger man. It was sick in a way how he could look so beautiful, so fragile, at that moment. A macabre beauty, one that ripped the words from his throat and left him with empty sobs and hoarse cries for help. 

Lethargy overcame him soon enough, his vision clouding as Jinyoung seemed to get further and further away. Even still, his mind rang with the thought of how bitter a taste it was to finally have freed Jinyoung from his cage only to see his wings clipped regardless.

-

Jaebum cracked open an eyelid, but shut it abruptly at the brightness around him. A steady beep droned beside him, and the scent of cleanliness filled his nostrils. When he risked opening his eyes again, his leg was in a cast, strung up and hanging in mid-air. Turning his head did nothing, a tightness around his neck that prevented him from moving even an inch. 

‘Jinyoung,’ he croaked, and a nurse pulled his curtain aside with a raised eyebrow. ‘Where’s Jinyoung?’

She smiled at him reassuringly, placing soft, feminine hands on his arm to stop him from fidgeting. ‘Stay calm. I’ll take you to your friend.’

His wheelchair squeaked as it rolled along the linoleum floors, and his heart sank at the sight of the intensive care unit before him. Hands restrained him from running to Jinyoung's bed when he finally laid eyes on him, his mind too shocked to understand why they wouldn't allow him to be there by his side, all his own injuries forgotten in the face of Jinyoung's wrecked body. 

He wanted to hold those pale, limp hands in his own and see Jinyoung frowning at him, asking him if he was stupid for believing anything could truly hurt him. But he didn’t. Those hands stayed limp, delicate in his larger ones. There were so many wires, so many machines around his bed it was overwhelming, the sight enough to turn his stomach. The doctors were asking him questions, but he couldn't answer. His mouth couldn't utter any other sound that Jinyoung's name.

He assumed they'd cleaned him up, because his hair was brushed and his skin was clean, free of the blood that had caked every inch of him back in the wreck. But still there was no colour in his skin, no plumpness in his lips, and it broke his heart.

Because, all in all, it was his fault.

His mind was a whirl of guilt, crushing him with every word that left the police officers lips. He could only sit and listen dumbly, desperately holding back his tears of frustration as he explained what had happened. A car drove too fast around the corner, he said, not being able to brake in time to avoid their car on the narrow country road. He didn't say a word about Jaebum's careless, sleep deprived driving, and it was the only thing he could thank God for at that moment. With every injury they listed that Jinyoung had sustained, the knife in Jaebum's heart only twisted and plunged deeper. A broken hip, fractures in eight bones, severe brain damage.

The doctor had told him there was no hope. That even if, on the tiny, miraculous chance he survived, the world would hold nothing for him. He’d be trapped in a wheelchair, unable to remember a thing, unable to even communicate. 

The doctor had left. Left him there in that dull, dank consultation room for a moment of thought. But not a year, not a century would stop those words resounding in his head, and he thought that maybe, if he didn’t hold onto that chance, that tiny hope that he’d survive, then maybe his heart would stop. Maybe he’d breathe his last breath, right in that second, because at some point Jinyoung had become his everything.

They were like a teabag and hot water, Jinyoung and Jaebum. Jinyoung was the flavour, the taste, and Jaebum was the heat, the base, the strength. But what was tea without the tea bag? Just water, and Jaebum felt like he was drowning.

His own injuries were minor, a broken leg he recovered from easily with his youth and good health. Though he was released from hospital promptly, he didn't leave Jinyoung's side, couldn't let go of his limp and lifeless hand for fear he'd lose him entirely. His constant watch over the younger boy was worth every aching hour, because he didn't know what he would have done if he hadn't felt his fingers curl gently, weakly into his own, interlacing the digits and keeping his hopes alive.

Jinyoung was strong, and Jaebum found himself foolish to even consider the idea that he'd let go so easily. When his eyes had opened, long after his body had woken up, Jaebum's world had found its colour again. At least, until he saw the distance there, the confusion and fear. He screamed at anyone who came near him, convinced the doctors and nurses were plotting against him; filling his IV with poison and whispering secrets whenever his curtain was closed. 

Still, Jaebum watched and waited and dragged his fingers through his hair as he slept, because he'd never given up on Jinyoung before and he wasn't about to start now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise there'll be better times ahead stick with me guys!!!!


	3. When You're Only Nineteen (Got Nothing To Lose)

They were killing him, he knew it because he felt numb. From his toes to his fingertips, he felt numb. And when the dullness faded, it was always replaced with a pain that burned every inch of his body, searing and unbearable. So overwhelming all he could wish for was death, a sweet return to the void he'd been lost in before. He didn't know if it was a nightmare or reality, his eyes refusing to open no matter how he tried. Everything was a blur, faces and visions flickering behind his eyelids, memories he couldn't quite grasp, and most he didn't want to remember anyway.

Sometimes he'd see someone familiar, a boy and a woman. The woman was always debauched and rouged, nails scraping over Jinyoung's skin as she sneered and spat her pain and bitterness in his face. The boy was sharp-eyed but soft, limbs long and hot where they wrapped around Jinyoung's, his mouth mumbling nonsense in his sleep. Then there were the nameless faces, the hands that groped at him, lips that pressed wet kisses to his throat as he struggled. The latter was what he saw most, graphic and overwhelming in its intensity, the urge to run so extreme he could hear his heart threatening to burst from his chest, his limbs weighted and useless.

But when he screamed, the nightmare would ebb at the touch of a warm hand folding into his own, firm and comforting. A voice would rumble at his ear, low and thick, whispering things he couldn't understand, distracting him with stories told through what sounded like tears. He knew who the voice belonged to, could picture a pair of sharp eyes, two moles below an eyebrow and a smirk that made his heart race. The voice was safe, grounding, tethering him to reality even as his mind desperately clawed at him, dragging him down into darkness over and over again.

Jinyoung fought with every ounce of his strength, tearing away the hands that tried in vain to keep him inside his own mind. It was like dragging himself through a sea of oil, his arms aching with the effort as he swam towards the warmer memory, the familiar voice and the warm hand clasping his cold digits. But when he opened his eyes, it was to heartache, blurred colours and an indistinguishable face so close to his own.

He blinked but the fog wouldn't clear. The face resting against his pillow didn't move, didn't see the tears rolling down his cheeks or feel his hand squeezing back. He closed his eyes once again and tried to piece the features together, the pierced ears and sharp jaw. There was movement beside him, a soft sigh and a soft kiss pressed to his knuckles before he heard footsteps depart and a coldness at his side.

When he opened his eyes again the face was gone, replaced by the white of his bed linens, and he longed to hear that voice again, the one that whispered 'I love you' like a prayer.

 

-

 

Jaebum raked his fingers through his greasy hair in exhasperation, dropping the paper in his lap as he sat outside Jinyoung's ward. The numbers were too much for him to process, every medicine and surgical procedure listed running over seven pages. He'd been putting it off for too long, the paper wrinkled and torn from how many times he'd picked it up only to toss it to the side. The cost of repairing a body as broken as Jinyoung's was overwhelming, but his pride was nothing if that was what it would take to pay the price of Jinyoung's life.

His fingers ran over his cracked phone once, twice, three times. His lips were bitten to hell, and his hand trembled when he finally lifted the reciever with a dry throat.

When it was over he wondered why he even cared so much. His parents hadn't even noticed he was gone, making a transfer as if it was pocket money and hanging up with haste, not even a goodbye spared for their only son. He scoffed, shaking his head at the lunacy of it all, before he dashed the contraption at the wall with a yell.

It drew a few looks, but he didn't stick around to explain. Taking his seat beside Jinyoung's bed once again, he looked upon the only person who'd ever cared who he was, how he was, where he was. To his surprise, he was looking back.

'You're awake?' Jaebum stuttered, his heart seeming to expand almost painfully in his chest, the air too thin to breathe. Jinyoung had opened his eyes before, but he hadn't been himself, his eyes never focusing on any single point or making sense of the world around him. Now his eyes were seeing Jaebum in full clarity, the fear that was there before replaced with the watchfullness of the boy he'd known for so long.

'You know I can't sleep if you're not in the room.'

 

-

 

Even if Jinyoung didn't admit it, Jaebum knew he was scared. He'd never been good with strangers, never like being touched even by Jaebum, so being poked and prodded constantly must have been his own personal hell. In his exhaustion, Jaebum still wouldn't leave his side. Sometimes Jinyoung would insist he go away if only just to shower and brush his teeth because he couldn't bear his stench, though Jaebum knew he was just worried about his condition. The smell was also a problem, though.

If he went away, he always returned before Jinyoung's pain medication would be administered. He'd climb into his bed, a tight fit under the clean white sheets, wrapped in wires as the doctors looked at them suspiciously. He'd hold him tight and they'd chatter about nothing and everything as the throes of medical exhaustion filled his veins. It was what scared Jinyoung the most, and he'd always become distressed, fidgety and restless, and he'd tell Jaebum that he was scared he might never wake up again, that sleeping made him see things he couldn't understand.

So Jaebum would talk him to sleep, telling him of all the times they shared that Jinyoung couldn't remember at all. When they walked to the other side of town, skipping the train tracks with aching feet and a longing to be anywhere but home. The time Jinyoung tried to fight the biggest kid at school for looking at Jaebum funny even though he couldn't have weighed more than 50kg. When Jinyoung had looked out of his window and caught Jaebum smoking out of his own, proceeding to shout between their houses a long and thorough telling off in the middle of the night.

Jinyoung didn't remember any of it, but it eased him to sleepfulness all the same. It would be a lie to say it didn't tear something inside Jaebum apart, because it did, and it ached like an open wound. But on the other hand, the Jinyoung that lay beside him now was free from the shackles of the boy Jaebum had known. Whatever had tormented him before, the horrors of the house next door and the witch that haunted it, his mind had tucked the memories away, only to come out in nightmares too cryptic for him to truly understand.

Still, his body remembered. Sometimes he'd wake up from sleeping and freeze in fear at the feel of Jaebum's arms around him, or flinch away from a casual, comforting touch from his doctor. All the questions Jaebum had avoided asking Jinyoung in the past echoed in his mind, unanswered and insidious.

 

\---

 

Jinyoung was a miracle, they'd said, but Jaebum had known that from the moment he'd met him. He shouldn't have woken up, shouldn't have even been able to talk. But he did, and every obstacle the doctors told him he wouldn't overcome, he defied them. They said it was because he was young and healthy, but Jaebum knew it was because he'd been fighting something his whole life. Jinyoung didn't know how to stop.

There was a long while where he still didn't understand the full extent of his trauma, where his confused mind would tell him to get up out of bed to grab something and Jaebum would have to restrain him as he thrashed and clawed at his arms. Though he was coherent most of the time, he still lost himself, forgot where he was. He'd look at Jaebum like a stranger and curl in on himself to defend himself from his eyes, his touch.

But when Jinyoung was aware and awake, Jaebum would forget he was ever broken at all. He spent four months in his bed, two of them in intensive care, and the rest on a general ward. After that he had wheelchair priveleges, and Jaebum would take him all through the hospital at breakneck speed, the two of them in hysterics as nurses shouted at them. 

At the same time, Jaebum worked himself to the bone here and there, going through job after job and quitting whenever Jinyoung fell ill. Whenever he was away his heart felt heavy and strained, knowing anything could happen while he wasn't there beside Jinyoung. Still, he needed to give Jinyoung a home to go back to, and soon he had enough cash for a small flat. It was mould ridden and well-lived in, but it was enough. 

Nearly a year had passed since the accident when Jinyoung took his first wobbly steps, and when he screamed with pride, Jaebum didn't know you could love someone this much. 

 

-

 

Everything was settled out of court, and the compensation money was no joke. Jinyoung's medicines were so expensive Jebum honestly didn't know what he would have done if it was any less, because his job were barely paying the rent.

Jinyoung's eyes had widened the moment he'd hopped through the door on his crutches, assessing every inch of the place before he broke out in a smile that warmed Jaebum to the bone. 'Is this really ours?' He'd breathed, as if he'd get them caught if he spoke any louder.

There was only one bedroom, but Jaebum had bought a fold out sofa so Jinyoung could sleep in peace. Of course, it was inevitable he'd feel Jinyoung struggling to climb onto the rickety contraption in the middle of the night, and in the end the two of them shared the double bed. It was fine by Jaebum, because though Jinyoung was the one who always came to him, it went both ways.

He couldn't rest easy unless Jinyoung was lying next to him, wrapped in his arms, breathing softly against his neck and salivating against his pillow.

 

-

 

After being released from hospital there wasn't much that Jinyoung could do when Jaebum wasn't around, and he mainly occupied himself with reading books or taking small walks around the neighbourhood when he wasn't at physiotherapy. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't lonely, but Jaebum did his best to be around as much as he could between shifts and there was only so much Jinyoung could ask of him. A few weeks into being home he'd bumped into a neighbour from the flat upstairs while Jaebum was at work, a Californian guy, and sometimes he'd walk with him in comfortable silence, because he wasn't much of a talker. Though he was pleasant and easy to be around, he still couldn't help but feel wary of him, something in his core keeping him from trusting anyone but Jaebum.

Still, having someone else to talk to made him feel lighter, as if he was lessening the burden Jaebum had on his shoulders.

Jaebum's work was a little too far for his aching joints, but one day he was feeling adventurous. He wanted to see where Jaebum spent his time, meet the coworkers he complained about fondly whenever he got home from a long day. By the time he'd walked there his hands were red and sore from leaning on his crutches and his feet stung, but it was worth it in the end.

All his aches faded in place of hysterical laughter the second he caught sight of his best friend, serving a customer cheerily in a pink apron, a blown up image of him smiling awkwardly beneath the words 'employee of the month' plastered on the wall behind him. Jaebum wasn't amused in the slightest, cocking his eyebrow as Jinyoung fought to catch his breath, though it was obvious he was happy to see him, embarrassed as he was. No matter how hard he tried to get himself together, the photograph was just too good and he'd crack up all over again until Jaebum rolled his eyes and just made him a pot of tea to get him away from the counter and stop him from disrupting the other customers.

He sat by the window, small snickers still leaving his lips behind his palm as he tucked his crutches against the wall. Jaebum's ears were red as he served the long queue of customers, and Jinyoung's feet didn't hurt at all. There was a good while until Jaebum would take his break, so Jinyoung just sipped at his tea quietly, reading his book and watching people come and go. A gaggle of schoolgirls from the highschool a block away were making a ruckus, pushing each other towards the front of the queue with red cheeks and high pitched giggles, too shy to order from the handsome barista.

Jinyoung's book was more of a prop after a while, because he couldn't seem to take his eyes off Jaebum. He was effortlessly charming, playing the girls hearts like a harp and pulling faces at Jinyoung whenever they weren't looking as if he hated the attention. It was apparent to Jinyoung that Jaebum was handsome, really. Of course, he'd always seen it, but it was the first time he'd really acknowledged that he found him attractive rather than agreeing that he might be pleasant to the eye. When he looked at you, you felt the world close in around you, as if you were the center of his attention, as if nobody else mattered.

Had he always felt this way? The feeling had only grown more intense as his mind recovered and he filled every day with Jaebum, longing to be with him, to be in his line of sight, and he wondered if he'd known this magnetism before the crash. If he had, why had he never acted upon it? At first he'd thought Jaebum was staring at him out of worry, but there was something familiar about his watchful gaze, and as his mind began to piece the world together again he knew he'd felt those eyes on him for a long, long time.

He'd been testing him lately, trying to figure out if his suspicions were true. He'd touch his lips to see if Jaebum would follow the movement, rest his head on Jaebum's chest in the night to hear if his heart would beat faster. So far his results were pretty incriminating, and while it thrilled him, a part of him was terrified at what it might mean.

The girls finally managed to get themselves together enough to order, taking a seat and whispering between girlish giggles. They were bullying one of the girls into writing her number on a napkin, and Jinyoung could only pity the poor thing, her ears flaming red as she hid her face away from their laughter. Jaebum rolled his eyes at Jinyoung, and Jinyoung could only smirk, because he knew he really loved the attention. One of his coworkers was punching his arm playfully with a wide grin, hooking him around the neck with a muscular bicep while Jaebum struggled to free himself. 

So that was Jackson.

Whenever he looked up from his book, Jaebum was watching him. He never tried to hide it, smirking or pulling a stupid face or dancing along to the pop music that seemed to get louder whenever Jackson went into the staff room - anything to make Jinyoung smile. There was so much he couldn't remember and it hurt to know just what was missing, all the stories Jaebum had told him of their times together, a whole lifetime lost within his fragmented mind.

Still, he knew Jaebum even from his scent. He'd know his voice from a mile away, but he knew Jaebum missed the Jinyoung of before, could see the pain in his eyes when he brought up a joke they might have shared in the past and Jinyoung didn't laugh. It was the simple things that told him he wasn't right, that he'd never be right in Jaebum's eyes. Jaebum often asked him how he felt, what was happening in his mind, but the truth was that he felt okay in himself, it didn't feel like he'd lost anything. It was only when he tried to remember something Jaebum told him they'd done or said that he felt different, recalling memories like a word on the tip of his tongue he just couldn't seem to pronounce.

Another thing that made him wrong, made him a faulty clone of the boy he was before, were his episodes. Sometimes he was there and sometimes he wasn't - he'd blink and somehow he was in an entirely different place. Lapses of time would pass where he wasn't himself, but somehow Jaebum knew when such a thing would happen and was always there to keep him safe when his mind blanked out. Mark had been around the last time, turning a pleasant walk in the park to something miserable for the older man.

Apparently he'd shout nonsense, become terrified, refuse to be touched. He'd whisper about the hands and the pain and how he doesn't want to do it, whatever 'it' was. Jaebum hadn't wanted to tell him, but he'd begged to know, as it was a part of his life that could be important, something his mind was clinging to. Similiar to his nightmares, nonsensical but emotionally overwhelming.

When he woke in the night, afraid to chase sleep again for fear of the dreams that would make his skin crawl, he just watched Jaebum resting easily instead, traced the sharp features beside him and wondered what he'd do if he kissed him. Sometimes Jaebum had his own nightmares though, and when he'd wake in a sweat, out of breath and terrified, he would never tell Jinyoung what he was scared of, what haunted his dreams. Jinyoung never pressed for answers, because it was only fair that Jaebum have a few secrets for himself. He gave Jinyoung every inch of himself, and Jinyoung would never demand more.

He jumped when the seat before him scraped along the floor, Jaebum grinning over the top of his book as he sat down with a sigh. He slipped in a bookmark and set it aside, folding his arms with a knowing smile.

'You're popular.'

Jaebum glanced at the girls a few seats back, seeing them pretend they weren't staring as they broke out into nervous laughter. 'Yeah, they come in every day.'

'Well?'

'Well what? What are you suggesting?'

'They're keen, when was the last time you went on a date?' Jaebum rolled his eyes, but Jinyoung just leaned in closer, always ready to annoy the shit out of him. 'When was the last time you got laid? Don't let me hold you back.'

'Aish!' Jaebum groaned, throwing his head back with a frustrated grin, well aware Jinyoung was pushing his buttons. 'I'm not interested, they look like children.' His grin faltered for a moment, and he played with the rings on his fingers. 'Besides, you don't hold me back. Don't say stupid things.'

'Are you worried I might get jealous? You don't go out at all even though your coworkers seem friendly enough.'

'Are you my wife?' Jaebum smirked, and Jinyoung was irritated to feel heat building in his cheeks. Jaebum always managed to flip the teasing around when he was least expecting it. 'I like being with you. Besides, I know you'd get jealous.'

'Oh? Really? How so?' Jinyoung leaned his elbow on the table, taunting Jaebum with his eyes. To anyone else it would look like they were flirting, but this was just how they talked to each other, because both of them were just as bad as the other when it came to winding people up. The girls were watching with a sour expression, because even if the two of them couldn't see it, anyone would know they had no chance of getting between them.

Jaebum had that look on his face, the one Jinyoung was becoming accustomed to. It meant he had some dirt on Jinyoung that Jinyoung couldn't remember, and he immediately regretted his insistence.

'I had a girlfriend in middleschool for like a week and you followed me everywhere, even on dates you'd stand outside and wait for me to say goodbye to her. The look on your face whenever I mentioned her name was terrifying, and you'd always scowl at her whenever she went by.'

'Ugh, don't bring up old shit. You know I can't remember that.'

'She broke up with me because I just talked about you whenever we were together. I was a kid so obviously I was upset even though I wasn't really into her, so when you saw me crying you went into school the next day, found her locker and set it on fire.' Jinyoung could only stare in awe while Jaebum cracked up, pointing at him tauntingly. 'This is your past, Jinyoung, you asked for it.'

'Are you serious?'

'I'm glad you don't remember that part of yourself, it caused me a lot of trouble.' Despite his words, his eyes were fond and Jinyoung could see he was reliving the nostalgia. 'You were this scrawny thing all through middleschool but everyone was scared of you. You were a savage.'

'Step back though,' Jinyoung took a moment to absorb his criminal ways, wondering what had happened in his life to make him such a brat. 'I burnt her locker? Didn't I get any kind of punishment?'

Jaebum shrugged, taking a bite of his lunch and spitting out crumbs as he spoke. 'You were expelled.'

'You say that really casually.'

'You were always getting suspended for something, so we saw it coming. I dropped out and got a job after you left because I didn't see the point of staying.'

'God, you're an idiot.'

'Well, at least I'm in good company.'

Jaebum smirked, but Jinyoung meant it. Every story Jaebum told him about their past made him feel guilty, because every tale told of the sacrifices Jaebum had made to keep up with Jinyoung's impulses and fluctuating mental health, and all the while Jaebum had no idea what his problems were or why he was running. 

How much of Jaebum's life had been wasted on him? And here he was taking up even more of his time.

'Anyway,' Jaebum interrupted his thoughts around a mouthful of bread, easily filling the sliver of silence that had fallen while Jinyoung was reflecting. 'You're saying if I walked over and asked one of those girls on a date you wouldn't even flinch?'

Jinyoung just scoffed, taking a sip of his tea.

'Of course not. We both know you're about as straight as a circle.'

He probably should have waited until Jinyoung was done chewing before he gave him the shock of his life, but thankfully Jackson knew the heimlich manoeuver.

 

-

 

Their flat was cold, and Jinyoung was folded tightly in Jaebum's arms. He could tell he wasn't asleep because he was still rigid, uncomfortable with the contact as he always had been, yet never asking Jaebum to let go. It was a noisy street and the area was bad, sirens wailing through the night and cars passing by, horns blaring and drunkards making their way home at the witching hour. Even so, it was peaceful in their small bedroom, a blue glow spilling in through a crack in the curtains and giving Jaebum enough light to watch Jinyoung's back rise and fall with calm breaths.

'Jaebum?' Jinyoung breathed, and Jaebum hummed against his nape in response, not missing the small shiver that ran through Jinyoung's body at the sensation. He always found it hard to fall asleep before the younger man, his heart worried that if he closed his eyes he might lose him a second time. Jinyoung didn't say anything for a long while and Jaebum wondered if he'd fallen asleep after all, but if anything he grew tenser every second, and finally he spoke up again, quiet and tentative. It was the kind of voice, the way of taking only reserved for the depths of the night when the world is suddenly quiet and anything can be shared in the space between a pillow.

'Every now and then things come back to me in pieces. You were saying something to me in the car.' Jaebum's breath caught at his words, heart thumping in his chest. 'I remember being so scared, like I was running from gunfire or something. I wanted to just jump out of the car and bolt, but I needed to hear you say something. I asked you why you looked at me like that, the way you still do. I didn't hear you answer.' 

He was panicking. Who wouldn't? Jinyoung turned in his arms to face him, hair tousled and eyes heavy with sleep, and he couldn't fight the fear that saying those words would ruin everything all over again. Even in the dark he knew every inch of Jinyoung's face, every blemish, and he traced the line of his jaw with a shaking hand, surprised when the younger man didn't flinch away like he usually did. There was determination in his eyes along with the fear, black in the darkness yet telling so much of himself it was overwhelming to be under his gaze. 

If he had the guts to say it back then, what was stopping him from saying it now? In his mind he could only chuckle mirthlessly, because just like last time - it wasn't like Jinyoung could run away. 

'Isn't it obvious?' He drew a breath, dragging his fingers through short black hair to rest his hand at Jinyoung's nape, willing the words to fall gently from his lips.

'I love you.'

 

-

 

There was a voice in Jinyoung's head screaming for him to get out, to get away as soon as possible, but his heart told him otherwise. The fear within him was almost too much to shake, freezing his limbs, rasping breaths leaving his stunned lungs. Jaebum looked just as terrified, the two of them lying stiff and still beneath the covers, watching each other with caution as if the very world might fall apart in with a single movement. 

Jinyoung was the first to take the leap, and it was like a dam bursting, the pressure within him reaching it's highest point until his body took over, his fingers tangling in Jaebum's hair as he dragged him closer, pressed their lips together hard and desperate. It was awkward, his whole body was shaking, but Jaebum didn't seem to notice, and if he did, he didn't stop. Their noses bumped, teeth clicked, and their hands didn't know where to go, needing to touch every inch of each other to make up for what they'd missed. The abrupt neediness waned as Jaebum slowed his lips, and the edge of fear subsided from Jinyoung's tense muscles as he let him pull him closer, hold him tighter. 

Jaebum kissed him like a man drowning and Jinyoung was his oxygen, and all he could do was hold on for dear life, let his feelings wash over him and carry him out to sea. It was almost painfully innocent, the way he held him like something fragile, easily broken. And he guessed he was, not only his body but his mind. He longed for Jaebum's hands, lips upon every inch of skin, exploring every place he would be too ashamed to show anyone else, but something within him resisted, buckled like a horse that didn't want to be ridden. 

Jaebum felt his hesitation, breaking away with a wet sound and a trembling breath as he watched him with sheer adoration. 'Do you want me to stop?'

'No'. 

The world left his lips without a thought, without a beat passing, because that was the last thing he wanted. 'I don't know why I'm so scared.' 

'You've always been scared. I don't know why either.' He swiped at Jinyoung's cheek, and he hadn't even realised he was crying. 'I won't say I'll never hurt you, because I already did-'

'That wasn't-'

'-but you should never be afraid of me.'

He didn't know what to say, so he said nothing, and Jaebum's lips made his own ache with how gently he kissed him this time, how his hands danced over the planes of his back and his toes tickled his colder ones. He didn't know if he'd ever felt a sensation so delightfully strange as this, so calming yet terrifying. 

So he let go of his fear, and let himself sink into Jaebum, his taste, his smell, his everything as they fell sleep still pressed to eachothers lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Jinyoung's demons be revealed? Stay tuned for the next chapter of 'everyone's sad all the time'


	4. You Said Falling In Love (It's Easy To Do)

Jaebum closed the cash register, flashing a short smile at his customer as she walked away with her coffee. Jinyoung had been on his mind since he'd left for his shift early that morning. He'd been in a deep sleep, but Jaebum didn't miss how his the sheets were balled in his fists, or the small frown on his otherwise perfect face.

Absentmidedly he found himself trailing his fingers over his lower lip as he leaned over the counter in a daze. The flesh was still slightly bruised from where Jinyoung's teeth would nibble and drag as they kissed, and he wondered if Jinyoung's lips were just as swollen.

'You've been rubbing your mouth all day.' 

Jaebum could've screamed but he contained himself, used to Jackson appearing out of thin air. The younger man leaned his head on his elbow, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

'I bite my lips sometimes. They get dry.'

'Someone's been biting your lips, sure, but it wasn't you. Tell me all about it loverboy, got a girlfriend you've been hiding from me?'

Jackson grinned in the way Jaebum hated the most, a smile that told him he was about to hear his voice incessantly until he sated his curiosity. He shook his head tiredly, but before he could tell Jackson where to stick it, the doors opened. Jinyoung limped in with a large box in his arms, catching Jaebum's gaze wth a shy smile before taking his seat by the window, and his lips were definitely swollen. 

Another thing about Jackson was that though he acted dim, he never missed a thing, and he didn't let Jaebum hear the end of it all day.

It was with an exhausted groan that Jaebum sank into the seat before Jinyoung at the end of his shift, stretching his arms and giving Jackson the finger when he started pulling faces at the two of them while he cleaned. 

After rubbing his eyes and taking a long swig of soda, he noticed the box sat between them for only the second time that day. He didn't comment on it for a moment, too astounded with the fact he truly hadn't even acknowledged its presence, too busy looking at Jinyoung's face to notice the small kitten that sat inside, now watching him with disgust.

Jinyoung was reading his book as if nothing was strange, and it wasn't until Jaebum cleared his throat that he even looked up from the pages.

'Oh, I bought a cat by the way.'

'It looks like it wants to kill me.'

'She reminded me of you.'

Jaebum pulled a face while Jinyoung smirked, picking the ash coloured kitten up with love. It curled into his arms easily, letting him scratch at its ears as it stared into Jaebum's soul. He had no doubts that thing would be watching him sleep, waiting to scratch his eyeballs out.

'She needs a name.'

'I thought you would have already called her Nora?' There was a pause as Jinyoung looked at him, baffled, and Jaebum sighed at his own stupidity. 'Shit, sorry. When we were kids there was this mangy little grey cat that used to sneak in through my window and curl up in bed with us whenever you stayed over.'

'Ah, I remember, she always scratched you if you tried to touch her.' Jinyoung snickered, and for a moment Jaebum didn't see anything odd about what he was saying, but then it clicked.

'You _remember_?' 

  
-

 

Jinyoung had been complaining about his pain more lately. Even when he'd first started walking he'd been suffering silently, never letting Jaebum know just what he was going through, but now a moment didn't pass where he wasn't hissing in pain. His feet were hurting, aching and throbbing, and his hip was too sore for him to do anything but rest. 

He said he was all out of his painkillers, though Jaebum knew for sure he'd picked his recent prescription up only a week ago, and they should have lasted a month. Something was wrong, Jaebum wasn't an idiot, but he wasn't going to let Jinyoung suffer. So he shrugged it off, walking to the 24/7 chemist five blocks away in the dead of night only to find Jinyoung curled up on the sofa, dead asleep with Nora clutched tightly to his chest. 

The television was on at full volume, playing re-runs of some awful drama Jinyoung had always dreamed of starring in. He draped a blanket over Jinyoung's sleeping form and pressed a kiss to his forehead, not missing how Nora watched him steadily, before he stashed Jinyoung's medicine on the higher shelf of the kitchen and went to bed.

The bed seemed a lot bigger without Jinyoung in it, and his heart refused to give him an easy sleep that night.

 

  
-

 

  
Jaebum awoke – not to the chirping of birds or the soft sound of Jinyoung snoring, but to the sickening sound of Jinyoung retching.  
  
He’d taken too many painkillers, he’d said. The pain was just too unbearable. He’d been too uncomfortable to sleep and they hadn’t worked fast enough, so he just kept taking more.  
  
But there was something in Jinyoung's eyes that he hadn't seen since the crash, something familiar yet terrifying. He didn't miss the warnings on the tub of pills, how addictive they could be, and this time he made sure Jinyoung wouldn't be able to reach them without his help.

He'd grown up knowing the sight of Jinyoung's back better than anything, but now when he rolled away from his embrace in the night it left him hollow and bereft.  
  
 

-

 

  
Jaebum rolled over in bed, finding nothing but cold sheets in place of the warm body he’d expected to find there.  
  
With gentle steps he made his way to the kitchen, and he knew even in the dark what he would see when he tuned on the light. Jinyoung looked like he wanted to cry, eyes red as he looked at Jaebum like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He had a stool against the counter, struggling to shift his weight enough to step on it and reach above the cupboard.

'I can't sleep, please...'

Jaebum wanted to throw something, to hit something. He wanted to scream and hold Jinyoung by his arms, shake him and find out what was wrong, what was hurting him, what he remembered. But he didn't.  
  
He reached the medicine from the top shelf, tipping a single white pill onto Jinyoung’s outstretched palm.  
  
‘Only one?’ 

 

  
-

 

  
‘I can't sleep without them. I can't do anything without them.’ Jinyoung said after a long while, sipping his coffee and avoiding Jaebum's eyes. For once they'd visited someplace other than Jaebum's coffee shop, wanting to avoid Jackson's omnipresence. ‘If I don't take them, I see things, hear things. Besides, sometimes I just want to hurt a little less, to feel like I’m not a cripple.’  
  
Jaebum hated that word. Jinyoung had been saying it so much lately, and every time it made him crack a little more. Seeing Jinyoung in pain, knowing how he felt about his injuries, it made his heart swell with guilt.  
  
‘You’re not a cripple.’   
  
Because he was the reason Jinyoung would never walk without crutches, the reason he was hooked on painkillers to the point he sometimes couldn't even form words. He was the reason Jinyoung's mind was breaking under the weight of memories that had taken a lifetime to endure.  
  
‘What am I, then? I’m useless; I can’t do anything for myself!’ Jinyoung was raising his voice, and people were starting to look at them.  
  
‘You have me,’ Jaebum stood from his chair, scraping it along the tiled floor, ‘You've always had me, is it not enough anymore? Tell me what I need to do because I can't keep fucking guessing, waiting for you to let me in. I'm tired, Jinyoung, I'm so fucking _tired_.’   
  
‘You don’t understand how I feel!’ Jinyoung brought his fist down hard against the table, his voice cracking as he almost screamed, ‘You got out of this easy, I’ll never walk without these fucking crutches ever again!’

Jaebum had enough. For the first time, he'd truly reached his limit. Every time Jinyoung told him something important, let him in on what was truly breaking him apart, he crawled back inside himself like a wounded animal and snapped at Jaebum for trying to bandage his sores. He snatched his coat from the back of his seat and stormed out of the café, and left Jinyoung alone. When he passed the window, it took all of himself not to walk back inside and hold the fragile boy he loved, the one who was crying to himself over a cold cup of coffee.

He didn't know which of them was more frightened.  
  
 

-

 

 

'I want to run over the train tracks with you again. I want to race you on the beach and fall over in the sand.' Jinyoung choked on the words as he slumped against the faded eggshell wallpaper, sliding to the floor with his hands limp at his sides. 'I remember the beach, underneath all the other things I wish I could still forget.' His eyes were wet and tired when he looked up at Jaebum, begging for something he didn't know if he could give. 'I want us to be like that again. Free, no pain, no crash. But all the good memories happened because I was running from what was hurting me. Fuck, I've always been running, haven't I? And now I can barely walk.' 

The floodgates opened, and Jinyoung looked utterly defeated, and Jaebum's heart ached to see the boy he'd never been allowed to touch, the boy who'd always cried with his back turned. This time he wouldn't look away. He collapsed beside Jinyoung, pulling him close, cradling him as he sobbed and balled his fists in Jaebum's shirt.

‘I'm sorry.’ Jaebum whispered into his hair, and Jinyoung took a breath, shaky and laced with incredulity.

‘What on Earth do you have to be sorry for?’ 

‘It was my fault – the crash. I wasn’t looking, I could’ve-‘

Jinyoung’s lips stole his words; needy, urgent against his own, and Jaebum knew it was just because he couldn't bear to hear his guilt. He pulled away quickly, and Jaebum could feel his breath whispering against his lips.

‘Jaebum, you know words never really got us anywhere, did they?’  
  
 

-

 

  
There were so many things Jinyoung had been afraid of in his life, but Jaebum was his greatest fear. From the moment he'd stepped out his parents car he'd looked at Jinyoung like he accepted him for everything he was. There was never a note of pity in his voice or a glint of it in his eyes when he'd catch him climbing in through his window at night, a bruise on his cheek and blood on his lip, an ache in his body he'd never explain. He'd never asked questions, and the thought of telling him the truth one day chilled him to the bone. To lose someone like Jaebum, to have him turn his face away in disgust when he knew how tainted Jinyoung truly was, it was a thought he couldn't stomach.

To see him kneeling on the bed beside him in the low light, shirtless and careful in every movement, it made him ache. How did a poison like Jinyoung deserve this softness, this adoration. Jaebum's fingers burned as they danced along the skin of his arms, a question in his touch that Jinyoung answered with every breath that caught, every soft moan, every roll of his anxious hips. His heart was beating like a drum and he was frightened, his mind replaying the way men had played with his body before, how it had hurt even when they'd been nicer, how even the ones who'd smelt nice and had bought him comic books and sweets still made his body scream out in agony. 

All he could do was hold onto Jaebum's shoulders for dear life, pushing his thoughts away and focusing on the boy who loved him, the boy who would stop if he even looked away. It wasn't cold but when Jaebum pulled his shirt over his head, he trembled. Even though they'd shared a bed countless times, Jaebum had never seen his body. Before the crash it would have been the bruises he was hiding; the scratches, the bite marks, the indentations of fingers on the softer parts of his boyish form. Now it was the scars, the silver one that ran from his hip to his knee. He was ashamed by the weakness of his body, how he could barely lift himself when Jaebum relieved him of the rest of his adornments and laid him bare. The difference between them was stark enough to bring tears to his eyes, the broad chest pressed to his own, the strong arms he clinged to against his boyishly thin body.

But Jaebum just sat back despite the sob that escaped Jinyoung's throat, just raked his eyes over his nudity like he'd never seen anything so beautiful. He pressed his lips to Jinyoung's hip, trailed kisses down his thigh, smoothed his hands over Jinyoung's aching body. The instinct to hide, to cover himself was strong, but Jaebum’s touch was stronger, and every insecurity flew to the back of his mind when he felt soft lips grazing his chest and creating sparks where they touched his skin, setting his very flesh alight.

And in that moment Jinyoung thought that maybe Jaebum was the best painkiller; every touch erasing his tension and every press of lips against his own like the sweetest medicine. And he'd been beside him all these years, asking for nothing in return. All Jinyoung could give him was his broken body, his broken mind.

His thoughts destroyed him, and Jaebum never missed a thing, kissing his tears away as he turned his body to something he didn't know it could be, a vessel of pleasure and relief, his hands soothing him in places he'd only ever felt disgust and repulsion and pain.   
  
Jaebum handled him like he was made of porcelain, and it made his heart swell to feel love in every touch. But he knew well enough that Jaebum was too kind, too caring to ask for more, to hold him tighter, rougher; and Jinyoung wanted to see him unravel, Jinyoung wanted to give him the love he'd kept locked tightly within his own heart all these years, too afraid to let loose for fear of losing it, to give in to the feeling of their bodies pressed so close, bare against one another and their limbs entangled, moans and whispered  _‘i love you’_ s being the only sound in the silence of their room.

But his thoughts flew apart because too soon he was gripping the sheets, curling his toes as he came, crying Jaebum’s name aloud as he shook.

 

  
-  
  
 

Jaebum hadn't slept a wink, too preoccupied with watching Jinyoung rest free of nightmares and restlessness, wrapped content and safe in his arms. He regarded his own bedraggled reflection in their bedroom mirror, straightening the collar on his shirt and trying to ignore the bags beneath his eyes. He caught Jinyoung stirring behind him, and it was frightening how quickly he became alert, how rapidly he could take in a situation.

'Where are you going?' He rasped, voice sleepy and broken as his hair stuck up in a thousand different directions. Jaebum turned to face him, taking in the bed sheets pulled up to his chest and the pale thighs peeking out from beneath the covers. His sleep swollen face was full of suspicion, of distrust, and it stung.

‘Work – you know I’m at work today.’ Jaebum answered simply, ‘Where else would I be going?’ He watched as Jinyoung’s eyes flitted around nervously, arms wrapping around his knees as he pulled them to his chest. 

Jinyoung kept his eyes trained on his fingers, picking at a loose thread in the duvet. ‘I thought,’ he mumbled, ‘Because we had sex…’  
  
‘That I’d leave you?’ Jaebum finished, and Jinyoung didn't bother to respond, they both knew it was what he was thinking, irrational as it was. He crossed the room to Jinyoung’s side of the bed, cupping a hand under his chin and turning his face towards him. ‘You know I'll never leave you. And if you don't know that yet, you're an idiot.’

He closed the distance between them, capturing Jinyoung’s plump lips in a passionate kiss and feeling himself being pulled down on top of the smaller man. He pulled away, only when they needed breath, and admired the sight of Jinyoung breathless and flustered beneath him, his hands coming to play with his collar, tugging it gently before looking back up at him in a way that made his breath hitch.  
  
‘Miss work today – I’m sure Jackson will understand.’ Jinyoung smirked, not giving Jaebum time to reply before tugging abruptly on his collar again and dragging him atop of him for another kiss, wrapping his long legs around Jaebum’s hips.   
  
Jinyoung's wish was Jaebum's command.


	5. And Though It May Hurt (To Have Your Heart Broken In Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted this on my phone so it probably still needs formatting which I'll get around to later! sorry if it's a mess!

  
  
  
Jaebum hummed, stretching before taking a long moment to enjoy the peaceful expression on Jinyoung's face as he slept. He couldn't help feeling a little guilty as he brushed a stray strand of hair behind his ear before whispering, ‘Wake up, Jinyoung.’

He loved Jinyoung’s face fresh from sleep, grumpy and confused. He found it endearing, the half hearted glare he’d shoot through his tired, half-open eyes. There was something different there this time, a wariness quickly followed by fear as he roused to sit abruptly, shuffling away from Jaebum with wild eyes.

‘Happy birthday- Jinyoung? What's wrong?’

  
When they'd shared a bed as children, Jinyoung always woke up before him, was always the one to watch him sleep. Jaebum didn't know if this what what Jinyoung had been hiding, his embedded fear of waking up beside another warm body, or if this was something else entirely. While they hadn't spoken of Jinyoung's past - it was still taboo to even ask - Jaebum had gathered enough from Jinyoung's nightmares, from his mutterings in the night and the things he'd say when he had an episode.

‘Who are you?’ He breathed, eyebrows furrowed, ‘Why haven't you left yet? You get what you pay for, don't try and touch me again unless you have the cash.'  
Jaebum's heart sank, the air knocked out of his lungs as he processed the situation. It was hard to think of a way to calm Jinyoung down while all his mind could focus on was wishing away the thoughts of strange men that had touched him while Jaebum was only a house away.

  
'Jinyoung, it's me, Jaebum-' He reached out a hand without thinking, pausing when Jinyoung flinched insinctively. The look in his eyes when he'd said his name was cold and hateful, as if he was ready to scratch Jaebum's eyes out.

  
'How do you know his name? Get out!' He all but screamed, and as much as Jaebum tried to placate him he only grew wilder. At the touch of Jaebum's hand, though, he lay still. He was rigid, as if awaiting a blow or preparing for some sort of torture, staring up at Jaebum with piercing hate. 'Do what you want with me, but you don't touch him, you don't ever touch him.'

  
All Jaebum could do was sit there and look at the boy he loved, the side of him he'd never been allowed to see, the secrets that had been kept from him. Jinyoung lay there, stiff, for minutes before he looked at Jaebum again. The hate was replaced with worry as he got to his knees, wiping the tears from Jaebum's cheeks and taking his head in his hands.

  
'What's wrong? Jaebum, what's wrong?'

  
'Happy birthday, Jinyoung.'  
  
-

  
  
It happened twice that day. The second time Jaebum had felt Jinyoung shift back into the Jinyoung he knew all too well, it was the stubborn boy he'd grown to be, hiding behind his barbed words. He'd grabbed Jaebum's house keys, swinging them around his finger playfully and laughing about how he wondered how far Jaebum's rustbucket of a car would get them.

  
'Where were you planning to go?' Jaebum had asked, though he knew his car was gathering dust in a scrapheap somewhere now, barely even recognisable after the accident.

  
'You said we'd go to the beach, that's good enough for today.'

'And what's today?'

  
'My birthday. You forgot? You're the one who made a big deal out of it-'

  
'Calm down, calm down - I didn't forget.' Jaebum sighed, trying to keep the sadness and pity from his face. 'You always get so worked up about birthdays, it's just another day.'

  
'I'm eighteen, it's important.' Jinyoung muttered, disheartened and sulky, and Jaebum wet his dry lips with an ache in his heart.

'You're right, I'm sorry. It is important.'

  
Because how could he tell Jinyoung he was twenty four.  
  
-

  
Jinyoung let out a sharp breath, clutching his head as a sharp ripple of pain assaulted his nerves. The shopping bags he was carrying crashed to the concrete; the contents spilling out across the sidewalk. Not a single person stopped to see if he was okay, simply walking by as he dropped to his knees, moaning in agony.

He felt like his head was being crushed, as if his mind would blow at any second. But it passed as soon as it came, and the pain was replaced with a sudden euphoria, the cold concrete beneath his skin seeming to have dropped from under him, and he was floating.

He couldn’t move. He felt weightless, but it was stifling, suffocating, like he was watching himself, seeing himself through another persons eyes.

  
In a second he felt a familiar numbness in his skin, a dead weight in his body. The sterile smell of a hospital invaded his senses and he didn’t even have to wonder where Jaebum was. He clenched his heavy hands, feeling a larger one squeeze back, and a soft exhale sounded beside him.

'Jinyoung?’ Whispered the familiar voice, and he dared to open his eyes. The room was dark, a small lamp on his bedside table throwing Jaebum's concerned face into shadow.

‘I bet you thought you’d got rid of me this time, hey?’ he joked through a heavy tongue, but Jaebum didn’t laugh. He only stared at him, lips pulled in a thin line against unusually pale skin. ‘What happened to me?’

  
‘You had a seizure.’ Jaebum said without emotion, ‘A bad one this time.’

It was in Jinyoung’s nature to joke about serious things when it got tough, to shrug off the pain and keep everything at arms length. But there were no words he could use to make Jaebum smile right then. He looked defeated, and Jinyoung hated it.

‘Well, I’m alive. Don’t look at me like I’m dying.’

Jaebum said nothing.

  
-

  
‘I’m dying, aren’t I?’ Jinyoung asked one night, when the two of them were curled up on their old settee watching the television. His seizures were more frequent, his memory shorting out on an almost daily basis. He knew Jinyoung would ask him one day, but that didn’t make it any easier.

‘Jinyoung,’

‘Don’t beat around the bush, Jaebum. I’m not an idiot. When you spoke to the doctors, they told you I was dying, right?’ He didn’t give Jaebum time to respond, staring ahead the the television as the words poured from his anxious mouth. ‘I find myself places and have no idea how I got there, I miss days, I forget to eat. What if I forget you?’ Jinyoung’s breaths were shaky, and Jaebum held him tighter to his chest. ‘My body might not be dying, but my mind is. I don’t want to forget.’

‘Even if you forgot me, I wouldn’t leave you.’ Jaebum breathed, turning Jinyoung in his arms to look into his wet eyes. ‘Because before all this, I was your best friend, and that hasn’t changed. Even if you forgot me, I wouldn’t forget you. You’re all I brought with me when we ran away, I’m not going to leave you behind.'  
Jinyoung looked terrified, trembling within his embrace.

  
'After all, you’re my favourite piece of luggage. No matter how heavy you become, I'll still carry you with me.’

-

 

Jaebum entered their apartment, shaking out his umbrella and toeing off his shoes. Last winter hadn't been as dreary as this one, and he savoured the warmth of their apartment on his wind-chilled skin before walking in and hanging his sodden coat upon one of the hangers. Jinyoung's coat was dry and hanging beside his own, but after calling his name once, twice, there was still no reply.

  
If his jacket was there he should've been home, and God forbid he'd left it behind and gone wandering in a stupor - he'd catch his death out there. Recently Jaebum had been considering hiring help, but the idea of leaving Jinyoung alone with a stranger while he was at work was just unrealistic.

  
When he walked further into the house, Jinyoung was still nowhere to be found. The television was lighting up the room in shades of blue as the actors chattered away at full volume. Jinyoung usually forgot to turn it off, so he paid it no mind. He'd probably decided to take a nap, Jaebum guessed, because Jinyoung was always tired these days. Shrugging off his worries he stepped into the kitchen and began preparing dinner, deciding to wait until Jinyoung was ready to wake up rather than intrude.

  
As he waited for the food to cook, getting comfortable on the sofa and unbuttoning the collar of his shirt, he turned the volume of the television down a few notches. Jinyoung always had it on too high, and Jaebum wondered how he wasn't deaf by now.

  
Only then did he notice the sound of a shower running in the bathroom, and he stood abruptly, rushing to the door but finding it locked. Jinyoung had a thing for privacy. He knocked once, twice, bu there was no answer and he began to grow frantic. He called Jinyoung's name over the sound of water slapping against the tiles, his voice growing loud and breathless until he gave in to his fears. He threw himself against the door, too terrified to feel the pain in his shoulder as the wood splintered from the door frame and he stumbled into the bathroom.

  
The floor was soaked, the bath overflowing as the shower and faucets ran at full flow. His heart had stopped dead in his chest, burning cold as his hairs stood on end at the sight before him.

Jinyoung's eyes were closed, lashes dark against his pale skin beneath the water, lungs bloated and still.

It was soaked, the bath was overflowing and the shower and faucets were both on full blast. He got to his feet slowly, and his heart must’ve stopped for a second, because Jinyoung was in the bath, pale and lifeless as he lay on the base, lungs bloated with water.

A beat passed before he sprung into action, his body moving on reflex as he thrust his arms into the cold water and dragged Jinyoung out, his limp body collapsing atop of him as they crashed to the floor. He rolled him onto his back, hand trembling as he pumped his chest, frantically blowing short breaths between his parted lips.

  
But Jinyoung wasn't responding, and Jaebum was growing breathless. Helpless sounds left his lips as he counted off every pump of Jinyoung's chest, refusing to accept this could be possible, refusing to let Jinyoung go.

  
A whole minute had passed when Jinyoung's chest spasmed and he choked, gasping roughly and purging his saturated lungs with retching chokes. It was the second time in Jaebum's life he'd looked to God in awe, unable to think of any other explanation for the miracle of Jinyoung's wide eyes gazing up at him, wet and distant.

  
But even as Jinyoung recovered his breath, and his fingers found the strength grip Jaebum's deathly hold upon him in return, his eyes didn't change. They were unfamiliar, juvenile, terrified.  
Jaebum hadn't thought it would happen so soon, and Jinyoung's ruined voice cut to his very core.

  
'Who are you?'


	6. But That Didn't Stop Me (From Falling For You)

Jaebum listened to the droplets of rain thudding against the roof of his umbrella, tugging his scarf higher to shield his reddening nose from the chill of the wind. For all the years that had passed, he'd never seen such a frigid summer. There wasn't a single speck of blue on the sky, and no cheer on any of the faces that passed him by as he stood staring up at his apartment.

The flowers Mark had had the heart to plant outside his window never had a chance beneath the constant deluge, and Jaebum watched them struggle against the wind, the rain beating against the upstairs window. He knew if he dropped his gaze just a little lower he'd see his own room, see Jinyoung staring out at the grey day from the windowsill.

It was the weather Jinyoung hated the most. One night he would whisper in the comfort of the space between two pillows that it was because he couldn't play if it was raining - couldn't escape his cage. Jaebum had suddenly understood the joy Jinyoung had found in puddles. How he had rejoiced in the smell of the day after a downpour, when the street would reflect the sunset and Jinyoung could breathe without choking on the smoke of a half abandoned cigarette.

 

Closing his umbrella at last he gathered his courage, because with time it took so much of it to meet Jinyoung's eyes. Immediately he was drenched, yet he stayed in the flood all the same. There was a small ache in his lower back when he reached for a piece of gravel beneath his feet, another reminder of how quickly youth could fade, and with a groan he stood again. 

 

He ran his thumb over the small piece of grit, feeling all its edges as he looked upon all of Jinyoung's. His lip was caught between his teeth as he leaned against the window, a mug in his hands and a dream in his eyes, lost in thought without knowledge of Jaebum's presence and adoring gaze. 

 

At the sound of rock hitting glass, Jinyoung startled, moving away from the pane instinctively. His eyes met Jaebum's in a second, though, and in a moment his mug was set aside, a soft smile on his lips as his fingers moved to unlock and open the window, shaking his head with incredulity at Jaebum's ruined image. He laughed at him with that beautiful mouth, and though Jaebum was frozen to the bone, to hear Jinyoung laugh like that - he didn’t care. When he saw that face, even if he saw it every day, every night, his heart would skip a beat. Even with the small creases pinching at the corners of his eyes and the smile lines growing deeper with every small huff of amusement – Jinyoung would be eternally youthful in Jaebum's eyes. The innocence he harboured – the innocence that should’ve been long lost – was what Jaebum lived for.

‘You’ll catch a cold.’ 

'Not if you catch me first.'  
 

\----

  
When the sun finally decided to grace Jaebum's wind chilled skin with warmth, it was already late summer. Jinyoung’s birthday always came around so soon.

Jaebum was in his usual spot, feet planted beneath the balcony of their apartment as he watched Jinyoung sigh at nothing. However, it was earlier this time - he’d taken the day off work. It was routine, to the point his coworkers wouldn't even ask where he was going or what he would do.

Rather than an umbrella occupying his time-worn hands, he curled his fingers in the short soft hairs of Jinyoung's birthday gift. As the window was open, there was no need to throw things to alert Jinyoung to his presence, and a simple 'hello' roused his attention easily. His hair was tied back, not too long but different to the boyish cut he'd had when they were young, the faintest of frown lines weaved between his brows.

‘I'm bothering you again, I know,’ Jaebum called up as Jinyoung looked down. ‘but this little fella looks like he could use a home,’ he ran a hand through his messy black hair, looking up at him sheepishly. 'And not to be presumptuous, but I always thought you looked a bit lonely.’  
  
And maybe his heart leaped, if it was possible, because that face was all the more beautiful right then; lit up like a child’s at Christmas. Fear and distrust flickered in his eyes but Jaebum knew it would pass, and it did, replaced by a smile of such warmth that Jinyoung would have never managed before.

‘Are you sure?’ He asked, and Jaebum nodded.  
  
‘He won’t do me any good, will he?’ He sighed. He’d done this so many times, in so many ways, that it was like a ritual. Yet his heart yearned, and seeing Jinyoung made him feel full. He never got tired of it. Not even in fifteen years.

‘You know,’ Jinyoung risked a laugh, dared to lean out over the balcony with curiousity in his eyes. ‘It’s my birthday today.'  
  
‘Really?’ Jaebum exclaimed, feigning surprise. ‘And how old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?’  
  
He’d heard the same answer every year but he never stopped asking that question. Because in his heart he still clinged to the weak, desperate hope that maybe – just maybe – he’d remember. He’d snap out of it, tell him he was thirty-three. That he knew Jaebum's face, aged as it now was and not the young boy he'd once been.

But Jaebum's heart was resilient, even against the pain of seeing Jinyoung's eyes still brimming with naivite. And so he watched as Jinyoung looked down upon him, and Jaebum could only have seemed like a handsome middle aged man, a friendly passerby to Jinyoung's eyes. For a moment he hesitated, but with a small shake of his head it seemed he'd brushed whatever lingering thought was on his mind away and instead smiled, stating proudly; 

‘I’m eighteen.’  
  
\----  
  
Jaebum wondered how Jinyoung could look in the mirror and not be frightened of the man he saw staring back. Jaebum knew how old he'd grown, how he'd changed and it frightened him. How could Jinyoung's mind not collapse upon the confrontation with the fact that the age he imagined himself to be was long gone, and the boy he was long lost?

Maybe some part of him knew and kept him from looking, from shattering the reality he'd regressed into, the reality his fragile mind was hiding in. And how Jaebum wanted to shake Jinyoung, to rouse him from his stupor and see clarity in the eyes he had adored since the moment he saw them alight with mischief and mystery.

But always he stood still, silent. His vigil over Jinyoung's safety never once left to neglect, a new persona ready for whatever daydream he'd find Jinyoung in that day. Not a night passed where he didn't toss and turn with a chest tight with grief for the man who deserved everything and all the loss and the pain and the torture of knowing he would never lie beside him - whether on cotton sheets or dewy grass - and see love.

Women smiled softly and men threw hopeful quiet glances, and even Jackson told him to move on, offered the warmth of his bed and the comfort of his arms to balm the wounds so obviously raw in Jaebum's heart. Nothing was returned, and Jackson's comforts always denied. Five glasses of whisky down and spinning, slurring words beneath low lamplight at a local bar, Jaebum would lament. A pretty girl would sit patiently, a polite hand on his shoulder to offer him comfort when it became apparent his heart was too sore to be touched by another. The barman would watch and slide another glass, knowing there wasn't a word he could say to get him to leave.

And at night he'd return to his cold sheets and curl his fists into them, wrinkling the perfect white and pulling as if he could straighten the creases Jinyoung left behind in him. Passions of the flesh were nowhere to be seen within his dreams, just the feel of short hair beneath his fingertips and the warmth of Jinyoung's breath against his cheek. To awake to no sound of sleep or touch of skin after such warmth and content was the cruelest of things. Patience was never something Jaebum had to strive for, but there's only so long a heart can be pulled before it fractures and tears.

So drunken one night, instead of turning the key in his lock he walked the other way, back to the house he once lived in. The keys still fit, and the scent of Jinyoung filled his lungs in the most painful of ways, so agonising he could retch. There was no attempt at stealth, no silence to his clumsy footsteps as he tramped around the familiar rooms. A cat stirred at his side, startling him at first before he sank down beside it on the worn sofa, pulling its bony frame close. No comfort was found to know even Nora could remember his face, his scent, after so many years, yet Jinyoung would never regard him as anyone but the stranger.

He let her dig her paws into his chest as she purred and nuzzled at his throat, laying back and casting his eyes over the shadows of the room. There were canvases scattered around, smudged impressions of a face he recognised all too well - his own. As it once was, many years ago. He closed his eyes for a moment to blink, warm and dizzy in the ensuing darkness until an unbearable warmth fell against his cheek, pulling him back to the surface with wide eyes, a breath caught in the moment he remembered where he was, and who was looking back at him.

'You got old, too.'

The hand against his cheek smoothed his skin tentatively, moving to trace the small creases etched into the corners of Jaebum's eyes, the frown lines on his forehead. His chest was too heavy, and it heaved as he attempted to speak.

'Jinyoung-'

'I thought you'd gone. It's always night when I'm awake, and you're never here.' He looked ethereal, and his voice was barely a whisper in the cold dark, though his skin was hot, too hot, against Jaebum's face. 'I can't sleep in that bed without you. When the nightmares come I have nowhere to go, and when I open my eyes the day is already gone and I'm still alone. Where did you go?'

His eyes were wet, bright in the dimness of the room and pinched at the edges, a tear spilling over and onto his cheek, to his chin. 

Jaebum caught it with his thumb before it could fall, almost recoiling as his senses confirmed Jinyoung wasn't an apparition of a grieving mind.

'I didn't go anywhere, Jinyoung.' His voice was broken, and he wondered at the last time he'd even bothered to speak. 'I never was any good at keeping up with you.'

  
\----------

  
 _Jaebum pulled his fingers through his short, black hair, feeling the chill of the sea breeze blow through his shirt. As he walked across the beach, the silver sand sinking beneath his feet, he looked to the shore. A small silhouette sat beside the sea, hair flying this way and that, unruly as the man adorned. The crunch of sand was inaudible over the waves crashing in the night, breaking before the figure as it turned and smiled. The figure stood, brushing the sand from it's knees, Jinyoung's face visible even in the black shadow of the shore and he held out his hand and Jaebum took it._  
  
‘Let’s run away.’ he whispered, so quiet Jaebum would have missed it if they hadn't done this a thousand times, ‘just the two of us.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully the ending isn't too ambiguous... I'd like to hear your interpretations of it so I won't explain except in a reply ;) Thank you for being patient! Third year is super hectic but I've been needing to let off steam lately so there might be more updates to my other stories fairly soon.


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